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By Contributing Writer Rob Pecknold
Rating: Crappy
For the millions (AND MILLIONS) of Rob's fans, you may remember a while
back when I expressed my dis-interest in Um Jammer Lammy in a feature
called Um Jammer Lammy: Crap Crapper Crappy? It turns out I was right.
Quite simply, for the first time since the release of PaRappa the Rapper,
I don't gotta believe.
I don't have a big problem with Um Jammer Lammy’s graphics. Oh wait,
except for the fact that this game has some of the worst character designs
I've ever seen. The high point is a fire-fighting dog that sounds
suspiciously like Fat Albert. It only goes downhill from there, with
characters like a caterpillar nurse that actually vomits on her patients,
and some form of chipmunk hick that carries around a chainsaw with "Bite
Me" written on the blade.
When a game is as reliant on music as PaRappa was, the only way for it
to be a hit is for the music to actually have some semblance of quality.
Luckily, PaRappa had some of the best music in any game outside of Chrono
Trigger or Xenogears. Um Jammer Lammy ultimately fails because it has the
worst music I have ever heard in any video game. The only moderately
acceptable song is the one with the fire-fighting dog. When every other
song has no good melodic or rhythmic properties to them, why would you want
to base a game around them?
The development team (which, according to the intro, is Nana nana nana
nana na Onsha) threw in some typical guitar effects like wah wah, reverb,
harmonizer, and distortion, but when you consider that they all sound the
same, they register a 0.01 on the excitement scale. It's also a chore to
switch between effects in the game because you have to press the select
button, which is woefully unresponsive. This leads to many "Bad" scores in
the game when you're trying to change effects. It seems that the only
purpose of the effects is to make the game more frustrating than it already
is.
And all that frustration comes from one thing. Sure, the music is about
as bad as it gets. Sure, a vomiting caterpillar nurse couldn't pass for a
serious game character in any game. But the most frustrating part of Um
Jammer Crappy is the fact that when songs have no form of beat or rhythm,
it's extremely hard to keep the beat with the buttons on the controller.
Half the time, the "chords" are so jumbled together, it's pure luck when
you beat a level.
Lammy herself is one of the most unlikable characters in game history,
and she doesn't even resemble a lamb in the least bit. Why did they even
attempt to make a character better PaRappa? PaRappa was more likable, more
versatile, and even had a better tag line than Lammy ("I gotta believe!" is
a heck of a lot better than the incredibly lame "Leave it to Lammy!")
Like the rest of the game, the story sucks (big surprise). Apparently,
Lammy plays in a band called MilkCan with Katy the Cat and Mahsahn the
Mouse. They're all girls, and their big show is tomorrow. Lammy goes to
sleep, and when she wakes up, she finds the show is starting in 15 minutes.
Naturally, havoc ensues and it's your job to get Lammy to the concert on
time. The fact that she only has 15 minutes to get to the concert
drastically reduces the time it takes to beat the game, which means you
could rent the game at 7:15, beat it, and return it, and you'd still be
home in time for Friends. Lammy’s story is nowhere near as charming as the
story in PaRappa the Rapper. This game even found a way to make Chop Chop
Master Onion seem un-cool, which I didn't think was possible.
Um Jammer Lammy has ruined a once innovative and enjoyable franchise,
and it's even worse than Core Design's Little Screw-Up That Could, Tomb
Raider 2. With poorly designed characters, horrible music, and some of
the most frustrating levels in any game, you can see why Um Jammer Lammy
gets my vote for the worst game of the year so far.
Send your thoughts on this review to rob@mastergamer.com
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