Superman Review


For Nintendo 64

By Contributing Writer Jimmy Payne

Rating: Crappy
   First of all, I would like to say that when Ivan originally asked me to 
review this game, I refused because I had heard how much it sucks from so 
many different places. A few days later, I was walking down the street 
minding my own business when all of a sudden a 300-pound bearded man 
knocked me out cold. I woke up alone in a dark room, with my legs and head 
tied to a chair, an N64 controller in my hands, and Superman on a TV set.  
After resigning myself to the living hell of playing the game, this review 
was born.
   When I was five, Superman was a prime example of nobility, strength, and 
overall goodness.  Sadly, this image was destroyed with one swift touch of 
a start button.  The gameplay is a complete embarrassment.  If I were one 
of the developers who thought up the controls, I'd dig myself a hole and 
hide in it for about the next five years.  Since flying is one of the 
things Superman does best, it should be fairly easy to lift off and 
maneuver your way around.  According to the instruction book, all you have 
to do is push the Z button to lift off, use the analog stick to move around,
and push the Z button again to land.  It sounds perfectly normal, but when 
I tried it for the first couple of times I wondered why Superman was 
twitching like he was having a seizure.  Once I finally got him off the 
ground, I tried maneuvering my way around the area, and this was an even 
harder task.  By moving the analog stick while in flight, Superman will 
jerk back and forth, almost like a drunken circus clown, instead of 
gracefully gliding back and forth.  Also, when I want to make a 180 or even 
a 90-degree turn, it's like trying to steer a Mack truck with no wheels.
   The game's developers must have realized how much the control sucks, 
because the levels seem to be designed specifically so you can accomplish 
your goals despite the horrible control.  The rings that you must fly 
through are all put in a straight line, and all the objectives are child’s 
play.  For instance, one objective is to push a set of buttons in the 
correct order, but you do this after the correct order is already read off 
to you. Now, if I’m not mistaken, my nine-year-old cousins can successfully 
accomplish this task, leading to the conclusion that this is a game 
targeted at the under-12 crowd (which is not unusual for an N64 game).
   So, putting two and two together (the hard-as-nails control and the 
extremely simple objectives), I think I’m correct when I say that this game
is totally screwed up in terms of playability.  If a young child were 
playing this game, they wouldn't be able to accomplish much due to the 
putrid control, and if an adult were playing this game, their intelligence 
would be insulted by the moronic objectives.  Just talking about this makes 
me confused, angry, and in desperate need of some headache medicine. 
   The music in Superman is a mixture of annoying bleeps and terrible 
rhythm.  As if this wasn’t bad enough, the tracks are very short and they 
are looped over and over again.  This means you hear the same God-awful 
tunes over and over again.  It’s a miracle that my ears didn’t start 
bleeding from the long-term exposure.
   As you might have already guessed, Superman has an awful story line.  
The player is made to believe that Superman’s friends are trapped inside a 
virtual world (now that's original!) and it’s up to Superman to save the 
day.  The bland backgrounds don’t do anything to remind you that you're in 
a "virtual world."  It looks more like you were shrunk down to size and put
inside a giant city made out of play blocks (this should tell you something 
about the game's graphics).  Gee, this "virtual world" sure is foggy...  
   The cut scenes are useless and don’t do anything to further the story 
line.  Lex Luthor comes out, laughs at you, and then walks off to begin 
scheming again.  To make you understand just how pathetic Superman's cut 
scenes really are, here is a paraphrased account of one of them:

(Lex Luthor is standing about 20 feet away from Superman showing no sign of 
moving away)
Superman: Luthor, hold it right there! (as if he's about to run away)

Lex Luthor:  AH AH AH! (as if he's in a dentist's chair)  I'm not leaving 
just yet.

Superman: Where's Lois?!

Lex Luthor: First you must fly through these set of rings I have placed 
throughout my world.  AH AH AH!

(awkward pause as if Superman has to contemplate what Luthor just said)
Superman:  Don't count me out yet!

Lex Luthor:  AH AH AH!  Good luck!  AH AH AH!
(Luthor walks away and Superman stands there as if he's stupefied)

   Superman gives Mario Party some competition in the "World's Most 
Embarrassing Game" category.  It doesn't suck in a "It sucks so bad it's 
funny" sort of way, it sucks in a "It hurts to play it" sort of way.  If 
you still want to buy Superman after reading this review, I recommend you 
get psychological help immediately. 

Send your thoughts on this review to jimmy@mastergamer.com

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