A Day At The Races


By Jimmy Payne and Ivan Trembow
   A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Master Gamer's own Rob 
Pecknold wrote a great feature called Fight Night.  All right, it was early 
last year in the same galaxy we're in right now, but it really was a great 
feature.  Rob's idea was to pit the PlayStation 2 and Dreamcast against 
each other in a fight to the death hosted by Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez, 
the hosts of MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch.
   Over the past year, a lot has changed in the battle of the next-
generation systems, and it's time once again for a Master Gamer staff 
member (or in this case, two of them) to predict the outcome of the 
upcoming system war.  This feature is similar in concept to Fight Night, 
with the main differences being that it includes four systems instead of 
two, it's a race instead of a fight, and it's not the slightest bit well-
written or funny.  Wait a minute... scratch that last one.  So without 
further ado, let's get it on!  Oops, I mean start your engines, or
something like that...

Nick Diamond: Hello, race fans.  I'm Nick Diamond.

Johnny Gomez: And I'm Johnny Gomez.  Welcome to today's big race between 
the Sega Dreamcast, Sony PlayStation 2, Nintendo Dolphin, and Microsoft 
Xbox.  Why don't you explain the rules to the viewers at home, Nick?

ND: Why don't you, you lazy bastard?  Uh... I mean, the four consoles will 
have to race one lap around our huge track.  Having new games or 
accessories inserted into them will give them a big boost and hopefully 
catapult them into first place.  I've got just one question about all of 
this: Why would two Celebrity Deathmatch commentators would be hosting a 
race in the first place?

JG: Why don't you just read the cue cards, Nick?  The contestants are 
coming to the starting line, and the race is about to begin. 

ND: Look Johnny, the Dreamcast has its modem in hand.  That should be a 
great advantage for it.  The PlayStation 2 looks pretty much bare-bones 
except for the Emotion Engine and Graphics Synthesizer..

JG: It looks like the Dreamcast isn't the only one packing heat today.  
Check out the Xbox holding its Ethernet adapter AND 8GB hard drive in hand.  
That's a tough combo to beat, Nick.

ND: You're absolutely right, but wait a minute, where's the Dolphin?  It 
hasn't come to the starting line and it's nowhere in sight!

JG: Don't worry, Nick.  I'm sure the Dolphin will be here soon.  Maybe it's
in the bathroom or something.  It does seem like Nintendo has released a 
lot of crap lately...

ND: Good God!  A crazy bald-headed man just shot a gun into the air and it 
looks like he's planning to shoot everyone in the arena with that thing!

JG: No Nick, that means the race is starting.  The Dreamcast is off to a 
tremendous start, while all the other consoles are still standing around 
for some reason.  The Dreamcast isn't doing a whole lot with its modem 
right off the starting gates, but just the fact that it has a modem is
giving it lots of confidence.

ND: The PlayStation 2 seems to be really pumped up, but it still hasn't 
left the starting line.  Right beside it is the Xbox, which doesn't look 
like it has any intention of moving anytime soon.  The Xbox is actually 
looking into a mirror admiring itself.  Microsoft seems to be pretty 
confident that they won't have any problems dominating the video game
industry just like they seem to dominate most other industries on the 
planet.  

JG: Since no one else is moving, it seems as though the Dreamcast is 
getting a good lead and some tremendous support.  The Dreamcast already has 
a good line-up of games highlighted by Soul Calibur, Dead or Alive 2, and 
the particularly spectacular Resident Evil: Code Veronica.  Could the 
Dreamcast make it home before the others even start the race?

ND: It doesn't look like it, because the PlayStation 2 has just burst out 
of the starting gate, and it's running even faster than the Dreamcast was 
right after it began the race.  It's still not doing quite as well as most 
people thought it would, though.  Must be the $300 price point and the 
loads of not-so-impressive launch games...

JG: Don't forget the lack of a modem and a very questionable broadband 
plan, Nick.

ND: Why do you always have to correct me, Johnny?  You truly are a bitter 
person, aren't you?

JG: Just call the race, Nick... oh my God, I've never seen so much Seaman 
in my life!

ND (embarrassed): How did you know that I...
 
JG: Sega's virtual pet game is intriguing gamers with its voice-recognition 
technology and extremely weird design.

ND (thinking to himself): Whew, that was a close one...  

JG: SegaNet is now up and running, and free Dreamcasts are being given 
away.  And in yet another big boost to the Dreamcast, Yu Suzuki has just 
given it Shenmue.  It looks like the PS2 is going to need a lot more speed 
if it wants to win this race.  

ND: Looking back at the starting line, the Xbox is still admiring itself in 
the mirror.  Will it ever start the race?

JG: Wait a second... the Dolphin has finally arrived and is off to a fast 
start of its own!  It looks like it's aiming right for the PlayStation 2 
with the help of a Mario launch game.

ND: The Dolphin's DVD drive will give it a much higher chance of succeeding 
than the Nintendo 64 ever had with its outdated cartridge format.  The 
Dolphin also has Pokemon toys with it and is handing them out to all the 
little boys and girls in the crowd.

JG: Nintendo is winning the hearts of children once again, but why are they 
concentrating on creating lots of Pokemon products for the kids and not on 
the race?

ND: It looks to me like the DVD drive didn't do anything but increase the 
Dolphin's power.  It didn't slap some sense into Nintendo, but gosh darn 
it, are those kids happy or what?

JG: Shigeru Miyamoto has a microphone and he has told the crowd that he'll 
have a new Zelda game ready in just two minutes.  This is exactly what the 
Dolphin needs to catch up with the Dreamcast and PlayStation 2.

ND: Looks like this race is heating up. (Loud crash heard from the starting 
line) What was that, Johnny?

JG: Good lord!  The Xbox finally started the race, but it fell flat on its 
face after tripping on one of the Pokemon toys that Nintendo left behind. 

ND: That's gonna leave a mark.  It seems as though the X-Box has gotten up 
and is now moving at a fairly fast pace.  It's not getting as much third-
party support as the PlayStation 2, but it's wowing consumers with its 
superior power.  

JG: Not only consumers, but lazy developers as well.  It seems that many 
developers are pleased with the ease of developing for the Xbox, especially 
when they compare it with the PlayStation 2 in that regard.

ND: Shigeru Miyamoto has just announced that he needs five more minutes to 
finish Zelda.  Who didn't see that one coming?  Meanwhile, the Dreamcast 
doesn't show any signs of slowing down thanks to its modem and SegaNet.

JG: A funny-looking man has just run across the track and tripped the 
PlayStation 2 and Dreamcast!  It happened so quickly that I didn't get a 
good look at his face.  It seems as though the blow wasn't too devastating 
because both systems are back on their feet and moving quickly, but that 
will definitely shake their confidence.  Who was that man?!?

ND: I don't know, Johnny, but I do know that the Dolphin seems to be 
slowing down, giving the Xbox a perfect opportunity to take third place.  
The Dolphin's support appears to be pretty weak, and Miyamoto has just 
announced that he needs ten more minutes to finish Zelda!

JG: Talk about history repeating itself.  Now the Xbox has taken third 
place after that devastating announcement from Miyamoto.

ND: Forget about that, Johnny!  Look what Square just threw the PS2!

JG: It's Final Fantasy 10!  The PlayStation 2 is way out in front, and the 
crowd is going wild!

ND: Well somebody stop the damn match!  (Hell in a Cell reference)  The 
PlayStation 2 looks indestructible right now thanks to Square, and the 
Dreamcast is really starting to show some fatigue.  How much longer can it 
hold on?

JG: The Dreamcast's already-meager third-party support has diminished even 
more, and the crowd seems to be turning all of its attention towards the 
PlayStation 2.  Except for the kids, who are still intently watching the 
Dolphin.  The Dolphin's reputation with hardcore gamers is being hurt by 
Mario Party 3 and lots of other kiddie-oriented crap.

ND: Wait a minute, it's that man who tripped the PlayStation 2 and 
Dreamcast!  He's talking to Square and he has his checkbook out.  Could 
that be... no, it couldn't be...

JG: Yes, it's Bill Gates, and he's trying to buy off Square!  Security!  
Get that man off the track!  Damn predatory business tactics... meanwhile, 
the PlayStation 2 and Dreamcast are still fairly close to one another, with 
the PS2 in the lead.  The Dreamcast just won't give up, and it still has 
lots of first-party games to its credit.

ND: Well, it might have to give up now, Johnny.  Sony's broadband plans 
have finally come to fruition, and Square just released the online-only 
Final Fantasy 11.  If those two things don't win the race for the PS2, I 
don't know what will.

JG: It looks as though the crowd agrees with you, Nick.  The Dreamcast is 
moving almost as slowly as The Rock and Triple H in that Iron Man Match, 
and it has fallen behind the Dolphin.  You'd be pretty tired too if you 
were several years old and you never had an ounce of support from Square or 
EA...

ND: Metal Gear Solid 2 has just been released for the PS2, and it now looks 
like the Dreamcast has no chance in hell of catching up to the PS2.  
Meanwhile, the Xbox has been hurt by the government investigating its 
predatory business tactics.  And the Dolphin seems to be taking its merry 
old time, skipping along and putting on a happy face for the children in 
the crowd.  

JG: The PlayStation 2 has been slightly hurt by Sony's premature
announcement of their next system.  Not again!

ND: Out of nowhere, the Xbox just left the Dolphin in the dust, and it's 
now gaining on the PlayStation 2.  It seems as though the system's third-
party support and broadband access are really taking off, Johnny.

JG: Miyamoto has finally released his new Zelda game, giving the Dolphin a 
considerable lead over the Dreamcast.  Unfortunately for the Dolphin, it 
looks like it's too little, too late because it's still nowhere near the 
PS2 or Xbox.

ND: As for the Dreamcast, it's being over-shadowed by the superior graphics 
of all the other systems.  It's a shame that the Dreamcast just doesn't 
have the power to compete over the long run.

JG: The Dolphin is picking up some considerable speed thanks to amazing 
games from Nintendo and Rare, which always seem to kick in during the last 
few minutes of the race.  I wonder how well the Dolphin would have done 
today if this kind of support had been maintained throughout the entire 
race.

ND: Yes, it's unfortunate that Nintendo always gets its priorities straight 
too late in the game.

JG: Buckle your seatbelts, the PlayStation and Xbox are in the home stretch 
and the Xbox is gaining on the PlayStation 2.  In the words of WCW's Tony 
Schiavone, "This is the greatest night in the history of our sport."  Could 
the Xbox pull ahead at the very last second?  

ND: No it can't!  The PlayStation 2 has just won the race, with the Xbox 
coming in a close second.

JG: We're not done yet, though.  The Dreamcast has regained some speed and 
is now right alongside the Dolphin.  What stamina!  The Dreamcast has shown
us today that it never gives up and it's always pushing itself to the max.

ND: The Dolphin seems to be running off the side of the track... not 
another bathroom break!  No, it looks like the Dolphin is back in the crowd 
handing out Pokemon games to little kids!  It doesn't even seem to care 
that there's a race going on! 

JG: That's Nintendo for you.  They don't seem particularly concerned about 
how they do in the race, just as long as they have the support of those 
little youngsters who keep them in business every year.

ND: I can't believe it!  The kids have turned heel on the Dolphin and are 
now punching and kicking it!  The parents in the audience tried to stop 
their children at first, but now they seem to have said to themselves, "Ah, 
what the hell," and let the kids go at it.  The Dolphin is really taking a 
pounding from those little fists of fury!  

JG: It took a while, but the Pokemon fad has finally ended.  The kids have 
moved on to the latest fad and have no more interest in Pokemon, thus 
cutting Nintendo's revenues in half.  That will teach Nintendo what happens 
when you target fickle six-year-olds who will one day abandon your product 
just as quickly as they started liking it.

ND: So, the Dreamcast is our third place finisher for the day, leaving 
Nintendo to eventually cross the finish line in last place.  How could a 
company with Dan Owsen working for it come in last place?

JG: Today's race has been brought to you by Kelly Flock Caffeine-Free Soda,
from Pepsi-Cola.  It's the crap that ran down Coke's leg when they saw 
Pepsi One!  

ND: I was going to provide a summary of today's events, but I'm off to film 
an infomercial for those wonderful collectible coins.  Will you finish up 
for me, Johnny?

JG: Do I have a choice?  To sum things up, the PlayStation 2 barely hung on 
to beat the technically superior Xbox.  The Dreamcast also put in an 
amazing showing at the beginning of the race, but it couldn't compete with 
the PS2 over the long run.  The Dolphin came in last place and is still 
licking its wounds, which were inflicted by a bunch of first-graders with 
short tempers and even shorter attention spans.

Send your thoughts on this feature to jimmy@mastergamer.com and 
ivan@mastergamer.com

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© 2001 ivan@mastergamer.com