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By Contributing Writer Rob Pecknold
NICK DIAMOND: Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. I’m Nick
Diamond, with my partner, Johnny Gomez.
JOHNNY GOMEZ: Thanks, Nick. For those of you who have been watching, you
already know that tonight's main event is about to begin, as the Sega
Dreamcast takes on the PlayStation 2. But while our fighters are prepping
up, let’s have a look at our previous fights.
ND: They were quite exciting indeed, Johnny. First off, it was The Dave
Matthews Band vs. Sting in the battle of bashed band supremacy.
JG: The results were surprising, Nick. Dave himself was taken down fairly
quickly, losing that South African fighting spirit he's known for.
ND: But that doesn't mean the rest of the band was down. Ganging up on
Sting were the Fiddler, the Guitarist, and the Saxophoner.
JG: Do they even have real names, Nick?
ND: Not that I know of, Johnny. But Sting fought back, finally winning
the bout after rabid Dave-haters stormed the ring and proceeded to bludgeon
and kill most of the band.
JG: A great bout, but our next fight, between Jennifer Love Hewitt and
Sarah Michelle Gellar, was truly a Celebrity Deathmatch for the record
books.
ND: It was the fight for worshipped hottie supremacy, and Sarah Michelle
came out fighting.
JG: Yes she did, Nick, but it was neither Sarah or Jennifer to win this
bout, as Cameron Diaz came in and sent them both home to mama.
ND: Those were some great bouts indeed, but our two fighters are almost
ready. Let's go to the pre-match promos...
ONE’S AN UNDERDOG LOOKING TO GET BACK IN THE GAME, ONE’S THE REIGNING CHAMP
IN HIS FIELD. SOUNDS LIKE A CLASSIC, ORDINARY MATCH. RIGHT? YOU COULDN’T
BE MORE WRONG. OUR FIGHTERS, FROM COMPETING ORGANIZATIONS, ARE SOME OF THE
MOST UNUSUAL WE'VE HAD ON THIS SHOW. IN ONE CORNER IS THE SEGA DREAMCAST,
THE CURRENT SUPER-SYSTEM WITH A LOT TO PROVE. FEATURING THE BLEEDING FAST
HITACHI SH-4 PROCESSOR, POWERFUL NEW GRAPHICS TECHNOLOGY FROM NEC, AND A
YAMAHA SOUND SYSTEM MORE POWERFUL THAN MOST 32-BIT SYSTEMS, THE DREAMCAST
CERTAINLY ISN'T LACKING IN THE TECHNICAL DEPARTMENT. BUT IN THE OTHER
CORNER IS THE PLAYSTATION 2, FROM THE CURRENT LEADER OF THE VIDEO GAME
INDUSTRY. THE PLAYSTATION 2'S CORE IS THE AMAZING EMOTION ENGINE, WHICH
CAN PUSH A WHOPPING 55 MILLION POLYGONS PER SECOND. TRULY A SYSTEM THAT
BLOWS ALL OTHERS OUT OF THE WATER TECHNICALLY, BUT THE GAMES FRONT HAS YET
TO BE REVEALED.
JOHNNY GOMEZ: Now that you’ve heard the lowdown on our fighters, let's get
right to the fight.
NICK DIAMOND: Here come our fighters now. ("Why Can't We Be Friends?"
plays as the Dreamcast comes out, "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" plays as the
PlayStation 2 comes out.)
JG: They are entering the ring now, Nick. Let's go to ref Mills Lane for
the fight to begin.
MILLS LANE: Okay, I want a good clean fight. PlayStation 2, keep in your
emotions, and Dreamcast, don't doze off in my ring. Let's get it on!
ND: And the Dreamcast gets off to a running start. But the immense size
of the PSX2 is too much for him, Johnny. He's just batting at him like a
fly!
JG: The Dreamcast pulled back, Nick, tending his bruises. He’s got to
really rethink his straight-on strategy to win this fight.
ND: I don't know about you, Johnny, but it looks to me like the PlayStation
2 is just sitting there with a huge smirk on his face. Got to be that
Emotion-boosting stuff inside him.
JG: Wait! It looks like the Dreamcast is pulling something out of his CD
holder- GAMES! I knew this was going to happen, Nick! It looks like
instead of using his strength to compete with the PSX2, the Dreamcast is
just gonna hit him with all the force his games can provide.
ND: He’s got some good stuff there, Johnny. Sonic Adventure, Shenmue,
Blue Stinger, Climax Landers, Grandia 2, Jurassic Park Arcade, NFL Blitz
2000, Resident Evil: Code Veronica... the list goes on and on. I wonder
what the PSX2 can do about those, Johnny.
JG: The Dreamcast is throwing its games at the PlayStation 2's head. Looks
like Sonic Adventure was first, Nick. Ouch! That's GOT to hurt in the
morning.
ND: Even though he's got numerous games stuck in his head, the PSX2 doesn’t
seem to mind at all. He is just much too powerful for the Dreamcast to
handle.
JG: But the Dreamcast does have a fighting spirit, Nick, and...
ND: Sorry to interrupt you, Johnny, but it looks like someone's up in the
light towers!
JG: Who could it be, Nick? Oh my God, it's the infamous Comb-Over Bandit,
everybody's favorite Nintendo executive, Howard Lincoln!
HOWARD LINCOLN: Hello, fighters! I'm coming down there to put both of you
in your places, but I think I'll delay my descent and just stand here for
a few years to make my descent the greatest it can be.
PSX2: HEY YOU LITTLE PUNK! COME DOWN HERE, SO I CAN WHIP YOU NOW!
JG: It looks like the PSX2 is too focused on Nintendo to notice what the
Dreamcast is doing. Sega’s Little System That Could is coming up fast, and
there's no stopping him.
ND: Ohh, and after a brutal hit from the Dreamcast, the PSX2 is out cold.
MILLS LANE: 1.....2....3..... THE DREAMCAST WINS!
JG: Man, the PlayStation 2 was just too concerned with Nintendo to notice
that the Dreamcast was gaining and gaining, until BAM! The PlayStation 2
was lying on the mat, and the Dreamcast was victorous.
ND: Well, we hope you have enjoyed tonight’s Celebrity Deathmatch. As
always, good fight, and goodnight.
You can e-mail Rob at rob@mastergamer.com
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